


I only have one heart and you took it with you

by n7ghtress (prec7ous)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, F/F, Gen, Modern AU, feelings locked away, friendship over relationship, no happy ending, read the trigger warnings, very dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 22:53:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8942782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prec7ous/pseuds/n7ghtress
Summary: TW: major character death (non-explicit); attempted suicide; attempted rape; brief mention of emotional abuse; violence.
Read at your own risk.
Glimpses into Clarke & Lexa's past and how they got closer to each other. Flashbacks tell the story; the end ties back to the beginning of the fic. Format for this fic is different than you're used to but bear with me, it will make sense.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Clarke and Lexa are  not  in a relationship in this fic. While feelings toward each other run deep, they both feel that their friendship is too special to risk ruining.

**|| PRESENT DAY**

Someone knocks on the front door.

She barely even hears it through the screams in her head that just won’t let up. It feels like someone ripped her heart out of her chest and cut it to pieces just for good measure. Clarke is lying on the floor for God knows how long now. She has seen the sun set and rise at least twice through the windows of her apartment but the importance of that escapes her.

Slowly, it registers in her mind that she should open the door or at least attempt to move from the floor. It takes all of the strength she can muster to lift her head but the pain that floods her brain is enough to almost lose consciousness.

As her head flops down again, her eyes land on the floor in front of her littered with pieces of glass and electronics.

It used to be her cell phone.

The split-second it takes for her to remember that phone call is enough for her body to instantly shut down again. Her mind repeats one thing over and over again.

She’s dead.

The knocks on the door get progressively more louder and demanding, but she cannot move. She doesn’t want to move. Clarke would be perfectly content if these would be the last few seconds of her own life. She doesn’t want to exist anymore.

_She’s dead and so am I._

 

**|| 5 YEARS AGO**

Clarke checks her watch again. Lexa is late; very late. She has no missed phone calls nor new text messages, so she decides to call her instead. The only things she hears are the tones that tell her that the phone is still ringing.

Lexa is not picking up.

She hopes that Lexa will barge in through the front door any second and that's why she's pacing the living room. When that doesn't happen after a few minutes, Clarke picks up a pen and tears off a page from her notebook to write Lexa a note for when she comes home, and leaves it on the dining room table

There's an unfamiliar tugging in the pit of her stomach and that's when she decides to go out and try to find Lexa herself. She's scared that something might have happened. It isn't like Lexa was never late, but she has the decency to always shoot Clarke a message or to give her a call to let her know that she'd be late whenever they made plans. It isn't like her to worry Clarke needlessly.

After tugging on her shoes and jacket, Clarke backtracks the route Lexa would've taken to get home from school. She eventually reaches their school and enters it. It's mostly vacant except for some students having extracurricular activities. Clarke strides toward Lexa’s locker and finds the whole hallway to be empty. She knows that Lexa had soccer practice last, so she ventures out toward the field hoping to catch Lexa running laps or practice her tricks as she often does after practice.

There’s no one on the field and even the bleachers are vacant. Clarke makes a stop at the locker rooms but finds no one there either. On her way out, she stumbles onto the soccer coach who eyes her warily at first. Before he can ask her what she was doing in the locker room, she speaks up.

"Gustus, have you seen Lexa?" She tries to keep her voice level as she has no legitimate reason to be worried about her.

He momentarily frowns in confusion before answering. "No, she left immediately after practice."

Clarke nods toward him in acknowledgement and turns to continue her search.

He calls after her: "Clarke!" She spins around with a questioning look on her face.

"She did look a bit down during practice, but she wouldn’t tell me why." He scratches his beard in thought at the restrained distress Clarke is showing. "Is everything OK?"

"Yeah, I think so Gus, thanks."

She sprints out of the school as fast as she can, leaving a slightly confused Gustus behind. Her concern just amplified. Where can she be? What happened? Clarke wanders the streets aimlessly now. She has no idea where she's even going as her mind is completely scrambled at this point. Unbeknownst to herself she finds herself about ten minutes from her own house. It isn't until she hears the crunching of leafs underneath her feet that she realizes she walked straight into the woods. There's a lake nearby that Lexa and she found mere weeks ago. Of course, her subconscious mind took her here after she wasn't at the arcade or any other place Clarke could think of.

As she approaches the small river, the mist gets thicker and thicker. Something flashes in the white veil that obscures her sight but when she runs up to it, it’s gone. It also seemed to be inside the river, so it’s probably her imagination playing tricks on her. Clarke walks back a little and goes to check her phone.

Still no new messages.

She tries calling her again and keeps staring at her phone, putting it on speaker hoping to hear Lexa’s voice. She doesn't.

As Clarke walks up to the stream gain, she sees a duffel bag from the corner of her eyes. She goes to inspect it out of curiosity and the closer she gets, the more her hands start to tremble. She isn't even consciously aware of it. It isn't until she's physically touching the bag that she knows it's hers. She starts to call out her name but there's no reply. She runs around to see if she sees anyone.

There's no one in sight.

That thing she saw at the foot of the river; Lexa. She's already standing at the edge when she thinks she sees slight bubbles reaching the surface. Clarke immediately springs into action and kicks off her shoes, her jacket follows before she jumps into the water. There's nothing on her mind except for Lexa. She isn't even sure if she's in the water at all, the bubbles could mean a number of things but she isn't about to take that chance after seeing her bag abandoned in the middle of nowhere.

If she's indeed in the water, she would've been under for a good two minutes now. Clarke fans out her hands and frantically moves it under in hopes it would collide with skin or cloth - what she hopes more, though, is that she's wrong and Lexa isn't here at all.

She puts her head under water but it’s too turbid to see anything. Just as she thinks she jumped to conclusions, her hand catches onto fabric. She yanks on it and it's incredibly heavy.

It feels like a body.

With all her strength, she drags her back toward land. She kneels beside him and tries to get a pulse. Her hand trembles and she cannot feel whether Lexa has a pulse or not. All she knows is that she’s not breathing. Tears fall from her face and she wills herself to take a steadying breath.

Before performing chest compressions, she remembers that one song from biology class so she sings it in her head as she presses down on Lexa’s chest with full upper body force. She’s not sure whether to give her mouth-to-mouth so she does once, before moving back toward her chest. Lexa is still not breathing. Clarke thinks that she’s too late. That she took too much time identifying the bag and looking for her in the water. Two minutes is too much time.

It’s too late.

She keeps the chest compressions up and it’s getting tiresome. She doesn’t have enough energy for this but she wills herself to keep going. She counts out loud, having lost the rhythm of the song.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.

Lexa suddenly surges forward, nearly colliding with Clarke's face, and coughs up all the water she ingested.

It takes some time before her breaths even out. Clarke stares at her in horror, unaware that she’s holding her breath. It isn't until Lexa's eyes meet hers that she releases it. She is mad and relieved at the same time. There are tears running down her face and they fall onto Lexa's neck. She reaches over and wipes the remaining ones from her cheek. Clarke ignores her and drapes her arms around her. She squeezes her a little too hard, afraid she will die on her if she lets her go. Clarke deliberately puts her head upon Lexa’s heart, needing reassurance that it’s still beating.

It is.

She's torn between holding her close and getting up to call for an ambulance. When Lexa shivers below her, she gets up quickly and calls 911.

 

**|| 3 DAYS AGO**

"Do you believe in free will?" She asks Lexa out of the blue. They're sitting under a tree, hiding from the blazing sun. She seems to ponder on it for a few moments before answering.

"I believe in destiny and free will."

Clarke furrows her eyebrows in confusion. That seems like a contradiction and she tells her that much.

"No, free will is a natural, scientifically studied term. I consider it a part of the human nature and thus natural law. Destiny to me means that things eventually happen the way they're supposed to and that it's due to natural laws and earlier events in the world."

"You know, that actually makes sense." Clarke says while nodding her head in agreement.

Lexa smirks, adjusts the snapback on her head to block out her vision and leans more fully against the tree. Clarke immediately snuggles into Lexa's side, claiming that she's a good pillow. Lexa raises her arm in reply so Clarke can lie more on top of her. They lie in silence for quite some time, just enjoying each other’s company.

They have always been there for one another. From the moment that Lexa came to live with Clarke and her parents, they have been inseparable. Well, at least after the first few months. The first few months they hardly spoke or interacted in any way. Clarke felt like Lexa took away her parents’ attention and was extremely jealous. Lexa got to do things that she wasn’t allowed to. Her biggest issue was that Lexa got to stay out later. After summer break, Lexa enrolled into the same school as her but while she was a junior, Lexa was a senior.

 

**|| 7 YEARS AGO**

Somehow they both get invited to the same party. It’s being held at some rich kids’ mansion. By the time Lexa arrives, after hanging out with friends somewhere else, it is absolutely packed with people. She is pretty sure some of them don't even go to their school. She knows that Clarke is supposed to be there as well, but it is impossible to find her and she probably doesn't want to see Lexa anyway. Lexa feels ignored by her at home and she understands why. So, Lexa tries to keep her distance and be as invisible as possible.

There is no shortage of booze at the party and as she ventures into and through the abundance of rooms in this mansion, she notices how many people are drunk, are trying to get into a fight or shamelessly getting it on. She shakes her head at the sight and goes on to find her friends.

She quickly gets a little intoxicated as well as they practically forced her into playing some kind of drinking game. Lexa has a limit and isn’t about to ignore it and get wasted. So, when one of her friend’s friend don't stop bugging her to take 'just one more shot,' she excuses herself to find the bathroom.

Sure, a mansion like this must have more than one.

She opens the first door she sees, but someone quickly closes it again and it hits her in the face. Cursing the person behind the door, she rubs her hand over it. There will surely be a bump in the morning. Having learned from her mistake, she puts her head upon the next door and tries to hear whether there’s someone inside. She’s pretty sure she doesn't hear anything so she opens it. Three people are passed out on the king-size bed. Luckily for her, they're all fully clothed.

Behind the next door she opens, she hears voices. She’s already moving toward the next one when her brain registers that one of the voices sounded broken. She decides to walk back and opens the door. She figures that she can just act like a stupid drunk if the situation requires it and that no harm would be done.

She sees a seemingly older girl pinning down another girl on the bed. It takes her a split-second to register that it’s Clarke on the bed.

All the alcohol seems to have vanished from Lexa’s system as she looks at Clarke. There are tears all over Clarke’s face and the other is still pushing forcefully into her body, hands already wandering. Clarke’s shirt is somewhere on the floor and she's only clad in underwear.

When Lexa opened the door, the girl turned and smirked toward Lexa. It's someone she didn’t expect to see at all. Lexa was sure she would be either dead or incarcerated. It was Costia, the girl she used to date a few years back. It was quite serious, until Costia started to hang out with the wrong crowd and started to use drugs. She tried to drag Lexa down with her and Lexa tried so hard to get her back on track but in the end, none of it mattered. Costia had called Lexa a waste of space and said she never took their relationship serious. The worst part is that their break up happened on the same day Lexa’s parents got killed in a car accident.

Totally oblivious to Lexa’s total shock, Costia mockingly states her surprise that Lexa's still alive.

Lexa doesn't even hear what Costia is saying as she stares at Clarke. She looks so helpless but refuses to meet her gaze when she realizes who walked in.

After being frozen in place for a few seconds, Lexa wastes no time and quickly marches toward the pair. High on something, Costia thinks Lexa is going to join in and she loosens her hold on Clarke a bit. It takes her too long to notice the way Lexa comes at her. Lexa's steps are wide, deliberate and her jaw is firmly shut. Her hands are balled up into fists and her eyes stare pointedly back at Costia.

Costia releases her hold on Clarke and puts her hands up in mock surrender.

"Heya, you know, you can have her all to yourself. She’s not that interesting anyway. Sorta like you. How about it?" Costia bounces up and down, a little too excited at the prospect.

It only adds fuel to Lexa’s anger. Clarke still seems frozen in place. She's no longer being physically restrained, but she cannot move and run. Her mind tells her to get out of there as fast she can, but her body won't cooperate.

Lexa is one step away from Costia now. There’s so much hatred running through her veins right now. She takes one more step forward and simultaneously raises her right arm and hand as her hips rotate to accommodate the swing. It makes for a fluid movement; it's reflex and calm technique wrapped up in one. Her fist connects with Costia's jaw. Lexa just wanted to make Costia shut the hell up; to make her unable to utter another word.

She succeeds in a way as a loud crack fills the otherwise silent room. She's pretty sure she dislocated Costia's jaw. Her hand hurts and she knows she broke at least one finger of her own as well. It's her own fault. She momentarily forgot about technique when her mind flashed back to the look on Clarke's face as this monster of a girl roamed Clarke’s body, ready to take her.

The force of the hit knocked Costia onto the floor where she's now desperately clutching her jaw in sheer agony. She tries to rub it soothingly, like that will make the pain go away. She tries to speak, to yell at Lexa but is unable to. Lexa walks up to her and towers over her. She uses her shoe to move Costia's other jaw to look back at her.

"If you ever touch her or anyone else like this again, I'll make sure you'll only be able to eat through a tube for the rest of your life." Her words are level; calm but laced with venom. She's seething just below the surface. She could forgive whatever Costia did to her, but not what she tried to do to Clarke. Lexa doesn't want to be put back into the system so this is as much as she can do without getting into too much trouble.

She no longer pays any mind to Costia as she walks up toward the bed. Clarke looks at her in horror. Her eyes are unfocused and Lexa is sure that Clarke is drunk out of her mind. She’s not sure, however, if Clarke is also afraid of her. She would never lay a hand on her or anyone else, but Clarke doesn't know that yet.

"Clarke, you’re OK now. I’m going to get you out of here." Lexa takes off the jacket she’s wearing and puts it around Clarke who flinches at the sudden touch. Right, she didn’t think that through.. Everything seems to be frozen in time for Lexa. She curses the world for doing the wrong thing, that is until Clarke suddenly surges into her, clinging to her like she’s going to disappear if she lets go. Like the last few minutes might’ve been just a figment of Clarke’s imagination and she would be back pinned onto the bed against her will. That, fortunately, doesn’t happen.

"Can I carry you?" Lexa asks her gently and Clarke barely gets out her affirmation as Lexa’s words drag her back into reality. Lexa understands her anyway because Clarke’s still holding onto her. She carries her bridal style but stops and remembers to grab Clarke’s shirt. The moment Clarke feels Lexa stop, she tenses up, afraid that Lexa is going to leave her again. Her whole body is trembling.

Lexa feels Clarke sputter to get air into her lungs.

"Hey, I’m not going to leave you," she tries to soothe Clarke. If Lexa were to walk out of her with Clarke looking like that in her arms, rumors at their high school would start that they both could have trouble dealing with.

Lexa puts Clarke back down and retrieves her shirt. It’s the moment that Lexa hears Costia run toward her from behind her. She closes her eyes for a second to calm herself down.

This is exactly what she wanted to avoid.

Lexa quickly turns around and punches Costia in the abdomen before she can grab her. Costia stumbles backward and grips her stomach. Her shallow breathing gets interrupted by a coughing fit as the wind got knocked out of her.

Lexa turns back to Clarke with a reassuring smile on her face. She carefully presents Clarke with her shirt and motions for her to put it on. Lexa ends up having to help her as Clarke is still somewhat in a daze. She also gives Clarke her jacket again and pulls the hoodie over her head.

Clarke is shaking and Lexa wants nothing but to make Clarke smile again. She doesn’t deserve this, no one does. Lexa gestures for Clarke to come into her arms which the blonde immediately does. Lexa carries her front-to-front while Clarke wraps around her body, clinging onto her for dear life. Her head is buried into Lexa’s shoulder and hair, all facial features obscured from others.

While navigating the house to the front entrance, she doesn’t stop when people approach her to ask what’s going on or who she is carrying. She hears random people holler at her as they see her carry a girl in her arms. Some sincere, others mockingly. She’s pretty sure she hears someone say that 'gays shouldn’t be allowed to parties.' Her thoughts are confirmed when she feels Clarke tighten her grip on her and buries her head even deeper into her body. She brings her head down so only Clarke can hear her:

"You’re OK, Clarke. I got you. You’re safe, I got you."

 

**|| 3 DAYS AGO**

Lexa fell asleep. Clarke can hear and feel her steady breaths and smiles contently. God, how she loves Lexa. How they love each other silently, secretly, even from one another.

On one brave afternoon, Clarke tried to kiss her once and she stopped her. Lexa grabbed her hands to make sure that Clarke didn't run as she wanted to explain why she stopped it. She put Clarke’s hand over her own chest, her heart. Clarke could feel it beat rapidly as Lexa told her that she doesn’t want to jeopardize the bond they had. That the connection she had with her was worth more than her own life and that Clarke was all that she had. Lexa didn’t want to risk losing that as it would mean the end of her as well. Clarke’s heart shattered but she understood. She felt the same way with the only exception that she was sure that they could work as they already did in her eyes.

It was years later when Lexa tried to kiss her back. She let Lexa kiss her for a brief second before gently pushing on her chest. Fuck, how she wanted to just give in, but she couldn’t. She would never be able to forgive herself if she did and they didn't work out. She would lose the best thing she ever had. She couldn't be the one to make the mistake that Lexa warned them about years ago. No, they could never be more but at the same time they already were.

Lexa's phone starts beeping. In her slumber, she briefly holds Clarke closer as her arms constrict and she snuggles closer, before she sits up and grabs her phone. It's the alarm she set so she wouldn’t be late for work.

"Hey, Clarke, I gotta go get ready for work." She sits up against the tree but doesn’t move to get up. Clarke isn't sure why but she snuggles closer to her again. Lexa wraps her arms around her without thinking and Clarke never felt so protected than in Lexa’s arms.

She feels like home.

She is home.

Lexa sighs, kisses the top of Clarke’s head and stands up. "I can't be late again."

Clarke snorts, knowing she’ll be late anyway. "If you’re late, you’re paying for dinner next time.”

Lexa chuckles and shakes her head knowing that she’s right and she’ll have to pay up. She smiles and starts to walk away. "May we meet again."

Clarke giggles and tells her to stop being so dramatic.

Lexa initially waves it away, and keeps on walking but suddenly stops, still close enough for Clarke to hear her. She turns around and speaks:

"I love you."

It isn't like she never said it. It isn't like she never said it back or said it first. But this time there is something in her voice. Something deep which resonates within Clarke's heart and made her breath hitch in her throat. It’s scary that someone can have such an impact, especially when she considers herself someone with a guarded heart.

Clarke doesn't know how to reply. The thoughts 'and I love you' not making it past her vocal cords. She croaks out the only thing she can muster; one word. One word that hopefully conveys what she can’t say. She knows it won’t even come close, hell, it will probably be the stupidest thing she’ll ever say.

"Ditto." Her voice cracks in-between the two syllables.

Lexa smiles at her and it seems to flood her with a warm feeling she can only ever get from Lexa. Clarke knows she understands. Lexa turns her smile into a smirk, taps her snapback and walks away.

Clarke doesn't know why but she's still stunned, frozen on the spot a long time after Lexa is out of sight.

She thinks about her words and her stupid reply all day and night. She doesn’t know what is bothering her exactly and why it makes her feel this hollow. She calls Lexa the next day, just to see whether they are OK, but to no avail. After the fourth call, a voice she doesn’t recognize picks up the phone.

"This is detective Blake, whom am I speaking to?"

_Why would a detective pick up her phone? Is she in trouble?_ A million questions are running through her mind as she answers the question she’s somehow unsure of herself.

"Ehm, this is Clarke?"

She hears flipping of paper in the background and hears someone mutter something about emergency contacts.

"Are you Clarke Griffin? the detective asks.

"Yes," she replies with even more uncertainty in her voice. Her heart is beating out of her chest. She knows something is terribly wrong.

"Clarke, I'm very sorry to inform you that Lexa has passed away."

She drops her phone onto the ground in shock, effectively ending the call.

 

**It takes three days for them to find her curled up in in the hallway of her apartment.**

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to hear what you guys think; even if you absolutely hated it and hate me... I just felt like I needed to write this. Please note, that I AM a Clexa-shipper. I haven't fully watched the third season but I can imagine that if Lexa were not to die, they might've reasoned together that the Coalition and their roles are more important than going into a relationship that might not work out, so that's the reason why they never took that step in this fic. Also, I deliberately left out some information that you guys could fill in for yourself.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you guys won't crusify me.


End file.
